singer // songwriter

a Russian in Panama….trans-serfing of reality….what on earth is this?!

Its been 6 months since I came to Panama….it was one of the amazing experiences and decisions I have made in my life so far….hope there are much more to come 🙂 and everyday in this beautiful country is like a surprise! you just never know what the day will bring you!

I came here because of my mother…she has always been creative in life about how to do things and how to live her life differently from others.

And this is also what she taught me…she always believed in herself and that way she gave me a lot of confidence and desire to follow my dreams. Since an early age, I have never left the childish idea of becoming a singer and always knew that my life will be different and i will have a lot of experience and things around me that would teach me, change me, educate me, humble me and make me stronger.

And yes. I have to say that looking back I realised that I had a very happy childhood….I have been living in Russia, Holland, Spain…travelled to many countries in Europe.

But since my 15th, I started to ask myself….if i want to be a singer, what am I actually doing to become one and what am I doing in this world anyways…. everyone around me is studying for a profession…economist, teacher, lawyer, hairdresser…whatever it is…and i grew up in an environment where studying, getting a steady job, a family and holding on to the ‘traditions’ (especially in Holland) – Friday is a movie day and Wednesday’s we are eating McDonalds…type of things…..

For some reason I wanted more. I didn’t know why, or where or how, but I was craving for more. I was driven to get something that would satisfy my little voice inside….called the EGOizm! A beautiful tool that drives people to change their lives!

And everyday I was trying to get my ass off the ground and my heart was cheering everytime I put pen on paper trying to write a song to get the foot into the music industry…but, as now I can understand, my mind was the devil which was holding me in prison of the so called ‘reality’…

As to follow the example of ‘others’ i went to study for Tourism in Limburg, a small province in Holland where I used to live for 8 years…(wow, now I think of it and its a shame i wasted my time there!)

But soon after a year I felt depressed and I just could not understand what is happening…why do i feel so strange? what do i want in life and why do i feel empty?

I crossed the line with this stupid idea of studying and living in Limburg where everything started to look like a big bubble of province mentality and i headed for yet another study….to continue my fight with myself….you know…you have to study and have a steady base in case I would never have the ability to shine like a star….stupid thoughts again!…and so I started my year of Communications in Leiden.

This was a true waste of time and again my expectations failed to become even a tiny fraction of what i expected of my life.

I told myself to stop and think over again what I actually want…not what is prestigious, classy, steady. I started to listen to the sound of the morning stars..(this is what I learned from professor Zeland and his online lessons. I will come back on this many times during my story) this means I started to listen to my soul. What was it craving for. it sounds silly and strange, but in many situations the so called intuition helps people to understand what they should do or what they really want or need. It takes practice to hear the voice within but it is there all the time.

To be continued!!! (i have to run to sing! yess)

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